Yesterday's crimes

Yesterday, while I was home alone --- again (something about Mommy and Daddy having to work), I got bored so I ate some stuff, like some plastic, paper and wood. And I finally got a hold of my harness. I hated that purple thing. I cut me across the chest so I ripped it apart.

(It's Mommy's and Daddy's fault for the harness. They knew I hated to have it on, although it meant we'd go for a walk. That's why I'll always run around the house trying to run away from them so they wouldn't put it on. But they always won)

Both Mommy and Daddy were really upset when they saw what I did. The plastic, which was crunchy and tasty were rolls of negatives. I also chewed up some photos. Since those photos were of me, I thought it was OK if I ate them. I mean they were of me, which means they were mined (but then again, everything in the house is mine, anyway). I also ate two CDs -- I like the sparklies that come off when I chew them. They also contained photos of me (I didn't know that. Daddy said that later.)

I nibbled and shredded the armrest of the wicker/bamboo couch. (I had done that before too, so I figured it would be OK if chew it a big more).

I really don't know what the big deal was, but Mommy and Daddy were really mad. Daddy even put me in my cage for the evening.

Mommy took me to the Woof store today to get a new harnes. It's red with white flowers and it's different from the other one. It doesn't go over my head, but I step into it.

Let's see if I like it. Otherwise I can always eat it.

In canine news again tonight: Howling continued

Basset Hound Mariposa, who was caught impersonating a Coyote the other evening, was out again today howling and baying. She blamed it on her Mommy and Daddy.

"They didn't take me for a walk today. I had to let them know how I felt and what I thought," Mariposa said.

"Besides, I need to work extra hard now to win control over my yard again and show that cat and the birds that I'm still the boss!"

Stay tuned to hear how this story develops.

Dear editor

Letter to the editor:

Dear so-called reporter,

I find your recent article about my barking habits truly objectable.
I'm appalled by your so-called investigative reporting, which I would call snooping. Your peddling into other dogs lives has destroyed my life and reputation that I've worked so hard at establishing over the last year.

Because of your story, all the headway I had made in establishing my authority over my backyard has vanished overnight.

First thing this morning, the cat was back. She was standing just beyond my reach, taunting me by rolling around in the grass undisturbed.

And the birds, which I just managed to stop from flying over the yard without first obtaining a fly-over permission, were flying around, congregating in the trees and chirping happily just like I wasn't there!!!!

Thanks a lot.

A year of hard work and barking all for nothing."

Arrested

A Basset Hound was arrested late Thursday night for allegedly impersonating a Coyote.

The accused Hound, Mariposa Baker, aka "posa" is contesting the charge on the grounds that she was bored and neglected by her owners.

"Yeah," like, I don't know...the idea just came to me while I was once again missing one of my walks."

Authorities say "posa" got the idea from reading a recent article published on the subject in the Washington Post magazine.

"I don't know what they're talking about, I mean, I'm a dog. I can't read."

Neighbors claim the nefarious Hound would wait until everyone was asleep, then bark and howl towards the woods behind her house.

"We knew it was her (Mariposa), said one neighbor who wishes to remain anonymous. She didn't even sound like a Coyote. And then there's the fact that we could see her do it. She's like a foot tall. Face it, she's no Coyote."

According to experts, this is not the first incidence of animal mimicry in the DC metro area, but is typical of a growing problem in dogs who are experiencing "Canine envy."

"We've seen this sort of thing before, usually in the smaller, yippity dogs," said John Barkin, Director of area Studies in Canine Psychology.

When asked if she'll continue this sort of thing or straighten out, Mariposa replied, " That all depends on Mommy and Daddy."

(Posting note: This blog entry has originally been posted on 4/20 but because of some blogger screw up, this is the third time I had to repost it)

The Incredible Posa

Daddy was cutting grass last night so I couldn't resist by to trail him. I mean the grass smelled so good and I had to help out by barking at the Mr. Hoover-look-alike-machine (I wonder if they are cousins). So of course, I got all green and muddy.

Then back inside on the coffee table I noticed a small package that smelled a lot like Mommy. So I decided to investigate. I ripped the paper apart, tore the cardboard packaging off, and there was a small tube with a yummy smelling cream inside. So I ate it.

When Mommy returned she freaked out and called the Animal Poison Control Center. I don't know why, the cream smelled so good and I know Mommy uses it because sometimes her hands smell like it. Something about it was dangerous to eat it because it contained cortisone. A steroid. I don't know what that is, but the cream smelled good.

For the rest of the night, Mommy and Daddy kept calling me the Incredible Posa.

Howling at the moon

I really don't understand what's wrong with howling at the moon and all things that go bump in the night outdoors in the shrubs at 4 a.m.

The moon was full and I had to go out to howl. The first night Daddy let me out because he thought I had to go and pee. But I didn't. I just wanted to howl.

The second night, he wouldn't let me go out so I stood in the dining room howling at the window. Then he brought a treat to lure me back into the bedroom and shut the door. But since the door doesn't lock and I can open it with my paw, I went back downstairs as soon as I finished my snack.

But then Mommy came after me, put me on the leash and dragged me back upstairs. I resisted and resisted and didn't want to go up the stairs, but she prevailed.

Back in the bedroom, she put that child's gate up, so I couldn't leave the room.

I fidgeted and fidgeted, tried to jump at the window but with no success. There was nothing left to do but growl and curl myself up in the bed.

I can't help my chewing

Just as Mommy was getting ready to leave for work this morning, she noticed that I had chewed up a corner of the coffee table.

I had been licking and resisting to chew that corner for months now, but yesterday I couldn't help it and had to chew it. I was also mad at my parents and bored all alone in the house. I just don't understand why they have to leave at 8 a.m. almost every morning and come back late in the day. And Mommy comes home much later than Daddy.

The corner is completely gone now. And I do feel bad, but I just couldn't help myself yesterday. It tasted so woody and yummy.

I also like to steal and chew on Mommy's shoes, slippers, scarfs socks, and bras. She also got mad at me last night because I got a hold of her white fitted undershirt. I really wanted to wear it but instead I ripped one strap off the shirt.

She also doesn't seem appreciate when I try to steal her headband or scrunchy off her head either.

So she was really angry at me last night and this morning for ruining her white shirt and the table.

Playing in the parks

Today, when Daddy came home from work, he took me to the creek to look for minnows. I saw many minnows. I even when into the creek to get a better look (I personally don't like water very much, especially when they try to give me a bath). Then we also went onto the rocks.

Later we went all the way down to a park I don't know well, and there we saw three dogs but because I didn't know them and they weren't my friends I didn't stay to play with them.

But then we returned my our park where I played with Paco, Riley and Max. It was fun.

Then we came home. I tried to chew on Mommy's clogs (first one and then the other) but Daddy took them away from me. Then I tried chewing his shoes, but he wouldn't let me.

Mommy came home late and I was very happy. I could finally then take a nap -- once I knew that everyone was home with me.

Play, play, play the day away

I love to play. It's my favorite thing to do, other than sleep, of course. I want to play all day, all the time.

And if I can't go out to run in the woods (like I went today and it was soo much fun, but didn't go yesterday because it was raining and I ended up being whiny all morning, mommy said), or see my friends, I love to play indoors. My favorite games are:

-steal Mommy's slippers (or sneakers will do)
-go to Mommy's closet, rummage through her underwear and socks and pick something to chew on
-try to take Daddy's socks of his feet
-get Mommy's gloves
-or steal anything else I'm not supposed to have

Like that quarter I was trying to chew the other day. Apparently I started acting funny, you know looking at everyone making sure they weren't paying attention to me so I could focus on my quarter. Somehow that got their attention and Mommy and Daddy launched a full-on offensive to get the quarter out of my mouth. I was bribed with toys, my food, my bones, and, my favorite, cheese.

Cheese -- it's not a bad trade....

Or if I don't get food, sometimes I do chew on Mommy' stuff just because I can. But other times, it's my attempt to get them to chase me around the kitchen. I run and they chase me....so I run the other way and they chase me. It's a thrill and a lot of fun.

Daddy used to play hide and seek with me when I was a baby, but he hasn't done that lately. I don't know why. I wish I could ask him. He would run away and hide someplace. I would run after them, and then he would pop out to scare me.....and I would wag my tail. So much fun.

I also like to nudge them with my Santa News or my "mexican" or a tennis ball so they throw it in the living room and I chase it. Then I bring it back. They grab it but I don't let go but pull on it really hard. Of course, eventually, I do let go so they think they are stronger and so that they can throw it again for me to catch.

At long last....

Daddy left and I knew it was going to be a special day. I made my way over to my basket, sniffed around, and discovered what I had sought for some time now.

At first I couldn't believe my nose. I thought, maybe mommy had left one of her black panties or bras downstairs in plain view; the black straps of the prize gleaming in the sun as it made its way over my couch and perch.

I snatched-up my query and began to tear down when I discovered a familiar smell...a smell I once feared. I placed my paw on the plastic buckle grabbed a strap in my mouth and pulled with all my might.

The silencer! I quickly looked around to make certain mommy and daddy weren't watching and darted for my perch with my prize. In the sun, with the wind gently blowing outside and the sound of voices coming from daddy's box, I had time to do it right....slowly.

Oh devil silencer you couldn't know the pain you were to soon experience and the joy in the tearing. When I had dismembered the devil and got everything into neat little pieces I thought of all the times I had been dispirited, no dehumanized, no de-doggyized and the shame of it all....only the quiet wimper of my glee could be heard in the house as I worked.

After everything was done I lay back and purused my work, satisfied, but a little sad.

Boring

I haven't checked in for a while. Life has been good. Except today, when Mommy and Daddy left for work as usual, except they forgot to push the chaise lounge against the window so I can look out onto the street.

And then Daddy came home, went out again, and spent the next hour playing some strange game where he was outside looking in but he wouldn't come in. I got tired of wagging my tail at him. Finally he appeared in the house and came down from the second floor. I don't know why he had to have a neighbor help him climb up the ladder to enter the house, when he usually uses the key.

So during this stupid game of him outside and me on the inside, it got dark outside so he didn't take me to the park to see all my friends. I bet all of them were there. And I promised them yesterday that I was going to come.

Then some people came to hang out with Mommy, I wanted to say hi and hi, but instead Daddy dragged me into the basement. I barked and barked because I wanted to go back upstairs, but they wouldn't let me. I had to stay downstairs with Daddy, who was boring and was watching TV instead of playing with me.

Then the people left and Mommy came downstairs to watch TV. I had chewed my bone, and they wouldn't play with me and wouldn't let me hump the pillows, so I went to tear up some tissue paper that was lying around. I got scolded.

So I decided I was going to show them. I went upstairs, tore through some papers, pushed the pillows around and decided to go to sleep in the other bedroom, on the other big bed, all by myself.

Yeah, I was going to show them.